1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
