oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
