I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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