i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
