He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
