yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
