Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
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