capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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