seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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