it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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