sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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