I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
