I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
