Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
