It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
