So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
