She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
