I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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