I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
