Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Randomize
