I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Randomize
