I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
