Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
