Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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