Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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