I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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