Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
