So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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