we're blogging at a bar
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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