WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
