He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
