Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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