No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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