The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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