I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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