some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
