Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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