whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
