I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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