i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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