now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I understand Curling. That high.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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