is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
