I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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