Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize