I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
