Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
