I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
