There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
