it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
