instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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