I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
