wanna go halves on a baby?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
