Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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