Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
