Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Ladies don't puke and tell
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
