There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
