Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
