I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
