There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Let's get the cat blown out
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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