I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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